Spider Wins

Ah September! A beautiful month; sunny days, autumn leaves, the promise of a new season, but oh, dear God the spiders. I would quite happily hibernate for the entire month just so I didn’t have to endure another terrifying toilet based encounter whereby i’ve done the normal September checks, ie. Looked about the room making sure there’s not one in the bath or near the toilet roll (you know, fellow spider haters, the September checks?) but DOUBTLESS the minute I commit to my business one will creep into my peripheral vision and start giving MC Hammer a run for his money in throwing shapes. There ensues my immediate panic, trying to desperately finish what I started, not look at the damn spider because it’s just awful but also keep an eye on where the hell it’s going, all the while trying to move as slow as possible so as not to ‘startle the spider’ and make it run faster or – and this is what the whole spider fear boils down to – jump on my face.

OK so I know that it probably won’t. ‘They’re more scared of us than we are of them.’ Which HAS to be true on some level I mean we are literally thousands of times bigger than they are right? But then we have larger brains, rational and irrational thought, emotions, feelings, do spiders fall in love? I don’t think so, so therefore Mr Spider cannot be having these fear-driven, paralysing thoughts about how scary humans are either and i am definitely more scared of it than it is of me. Of course in a ‘Who would win between a spider and a Zoe’ contest I should by rights win hands down. I could step on it, killing it in a second. But in this fictional contest I would fictionally not turn up. A forfeit. Spider wins.

IT has been suggested that i go on ‘The Friendly Spider’ program at London Zoo. This is where a tarantula is introduced, spoken about etc with a view to being able to hold one at the end of the day. Um, no. Why would anyone with a fear of spiders go on a program where the prize is getting to hold a spider??? I have no dream of one day being able to frollick around with my pet spiders, bathing with them or letting them run through my hair, i’d far rather there were a course learning how to exterminate the things from 2 rooms away.

Where do they live for the other 10 months of the year? (for there is a bit of a spider season in April as well, just a warm up really) My hope is that they all die but in that case there must be a hardcore underworld of spiders that live year round and spawn the next generation in July, wait for them to get enormous and then release them into houses on the 1^st of September to terrorise arachnophobes. There can be no other reason for this release as they must be quite happy in their weird little spider houses the rest of the year, why else would they come in to our houses other than to terrorise?

I have just moved house. I love my new place, all quirky original features and wooden floors but about two MASSIVE spiders a night. September Checks have gotten quite silly, no room is entered without a cursory glance around, no item picked up before a subconscious September Check as to whether there might be something hiding underneath or attached to it, no bath stepped into before a thorough SC taking in tub, shower curtain, walls and don’t get me started on the cellar. I originally thought it quite a novelty having a cellar in my new place but there’s no way i’m EVER going down there lest I return with spiders all over my head.

One of my favourite urban myths (oh god i hope it’s an urban myth) is ‘You swallow 8 spiders a year in your sleep.’ EXCUSE ME? A few questions at this point. What size are we talking here? Are they tiny money spiders? I can probably handle that, fine, whatever. Or are we talking full blown massive house spider? WTF? Surely not? Really? No. Which actually brings me round nicely to my next point that if ‘They’re more scared of me than I am of it.’ THEN WHY THE HELL IS IT CRAWLING INTO MY MOUTH???